And Now, on a More Serious Note

For the past couple of nights, I haven't given Po much water in his bed because he hasn't been holding it well, so to speak. This is a change from the norm, so tough for him to handle.

Just after I put him to bed this evening, he started crying, then wailing, and then saying things like "I need water, Mommy! I don't want to die! I don't want to die, Mommy! I don't want to die!" I told him through the door that he'd be just fine with the splash of water I gave him, and that he would surely survive until morning, but the cries only got more intense. He'll occasionally come up with some dramatic story to avoid bedtime, so I chalked it up to that and decided to let him cry it out.

That lasted all of five minutes. He continued with the Grim Reaper story line, so I thought I'd better pay him a bit of attention.

"Po. Let's settle down, baby." I said, kissing his tears and holding him. He calmed enough for me to sort-of understand what he was saying, but he was still doing the snot-choking gasping cries I remember doing as I kid when the worry was real. I heard him get out "I just want to be with you."

So I held him and rubbed his back while he simmered down and started to explain himself. "Mommy, I REALLY don't want to die. I will miss you, and I will miss K (BFF)."

"Porter, you won't die until you're about a hundred, so let's not worry about that, okay?"

"Mommy, I don't want to die. I will be lonely, and I won't be able to see you, and I will miss everybody..." he continued.

The challenges as a parent just keep coming, don't they? "Porter, you are going to have a long, long life, and that's not something we need to worry about right now. I do want to talk to you more about this, so let's talk in the morning. It's important that you get some rest and figure out all of your questions about dying, then we'll talk for as long as you like tomorrow."

Porter continued. "But what if I die and they can't fix me? I might need something to eat."

Can I cry, now?

This family is no stranger to death, starting with me losing my mother at age eight. Porter has experienced the loss of pets, insects, and flowers. He's sensitive. He cries whenever he sees a tree stump and says "I loved that tree. That's SO sad." I know he got a bit of it from me, but most of it is all Po.

My master plan is to tell the littles in time about all of the different theories on dying and let them decide what they believe for themselves, as we have done with B. Only B didn't ask about it until a more appropriate age, like TEN! Now what do I do with a three-year-old? I don't want to impose any one view on him, but I want more than anything to comfort him. But I'm going to keep it real, no matter what. So how do I keep things real for him but also comfort. Why does it seem like I can't have both?

He's asleep, now. I promised to check on him and give him kisses before turning in, myself. Let's hope I dream up something brilliant to tell him in the morning.